I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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