She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
