i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
