All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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