I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
