I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize