birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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