All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
