i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
