I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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