I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
