Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
