when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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