You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
