Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Randomize
