I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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