i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Omg I joined a choir last night...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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