i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize