cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
