I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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