yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
