she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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