Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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