the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
