my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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