She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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