oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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