I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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