mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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