remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You're a waste of cheezeits
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
