Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
