we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
