Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
