i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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