So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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