and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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