I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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