All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
