you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
