Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Randomize
