tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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