I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
