i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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