Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
