I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Blood and glitter go together right?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
