I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
