Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
