Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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