after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I will pee on everything he values.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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