Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
