No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
