Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
