I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
