i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
