The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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