I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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