I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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