I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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