the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
