I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Can you bring me the toilet please
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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