R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
