Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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